Caffeine-addled ramblings, rants, and random thoughts about my life in pursuit of utter awesomeness and general kickassery.


Stumblers: If anything strikes your fancy, cover up your fancy and click the "I like it!" button on your taskbar.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Hitchhiker

Story time.

Driving back from yet another business trip yesterday, I stopped in a little town to fuel up and grab some lunch. Like most small towns in Texas, pickings were slim for grub; but sure enough, there was a DQ.

There's always a DQ.

While waiting for the receipt, a fly decided that the air-conditioned interior of the truck was more suited to his lifestyle than the 105° weather, and he flew in and made himself at home. I opened both windows and tried the obligatory shoo, and the fly disappeared. I assumed he was gone and headed back on the road, munching on french fries and settled in for the three-hour drive back home.

About twenty minutes later Jack (what I decided to call the fly) rested himself on the volume knob on the stereo. I opened both windows again, did quite a bit of flailing and shooing, but Jack was more adamant than I and stayed inside, determined to ride with me as far as the road will take him.

At this point I started to feel bad for him. How much does a fly know? When he finally exits he will have no concept of where he is. What if he has a little fly wife and fly kids, with a little fly minivan and a fly house in the fly suburbs. I don't know much about flies, but I don't think they were designed for two-hundred mile trips.

Even the times I had my window rolled down to have a cigarette (yes, I'm smoking again. Sue me) were not enticing enough to Jack. He was content.

So we spent the next few hours having a surreal, silent, love-hate relationship.

Pulling into a convenience store just a mile or so from my house, I left the windows open to let him go start his life anew; A "Fly in the City" type thing.

I grabbed a drink and came out again, only to find Jack sitting on the edge of the open window. He moved only briefly to let me open the door, and after circling twice, came to rest on the passenger seat.

I drove home, sad. After unloading my luggage, I went to go get the pooch and still he wouldn't leave.

So resting in at home after the trip, I left the window cracked overnight.

Jack wasn't there in the morning.

Godspeed to you, little guy. Hope you find your place in this new world.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Promises REDUX

I was thumbing around some old files and came across this. It's just as poignant now as it was when I posted it a year and a half ago.



PROMISES

Promises are very important to me. Normally I wake up every morning and instead of goals for the day, I make a list of promises. There's power in that. You make a commitment to yourself. It's the difference between "I want to" and "I must."

As I was looking at my promises for today, I came to the conclusion that they were small and insignificant in my life. The "pay bills," "work on my business plan" stuff is nothing. So I sat down and wrote another set.


To my family:

I PROMISE...

* to thank you for helping me be the person I am today.
* to return the love and support you have given me.
* to forgive the things that hurt me.
* to recognize the wonderful things about you I see in me.
* to hug you often.
* to make you proud.
* to make you an important part of my life.


To my friends:

I PROMISE...

* to not lose touch.
* to appreciate the time we share together.
* to make time for you.
* to be there when you need me.
* to not be there when you don't.
* to make you laugh when you need it most.
* to be your shoulder when you need it most.
* to be the one you can always count on.
* to not judge you for being who you are.


To my future Love:

I PROMISE...

* to hold your hand.
* to always kiss you goodnight.
* to always kiss you goodbye.
* to make you feel loved.
* to forgive you when you hurt me.
* to apologize when I hurt you.
* to cherish the moments we share.
* to Love you completely, without compromise.
* to remind you how important you are to me.


To my future children:

I PROMISE...

* to help you experience new things.
* to play when possible.
* to support and encourage your dreams.
* to say yes when needed.
* to say no when needed.
* to help you love to learn.
* to look through your eyes in wonder.
* to tuck you in at night.
* to listen to what you have to say.
* to teach you to give.
* to be a role model.


To myself:

I PROMISE...

* to laugh often.
* to make every day more exceptional than the last.
* to Love as if I've never been hurt before.
* to leave the world better than I found it.
* to make a difference.
* to question.
* to learn something about everything.
* to learn everything about something.
* to learn something new each day.
* to live with passion.
* to remember those who matter most.
* to remember the things that matter.
* to forget things that don't.
* to Love unconditionally.
* to forgive constantly.

* to keep my promises.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Irony

I was at work in a meeting, when the agent I was working with needed to use the facilities. As I normally do, I hit the stumble button a few times.

And I got this...


Irony in action.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Friday, May 8, 2009

Let the Zombie Apocalypse Begin!

I would've never thought the Zombie Apocalypse would start in Britain, but then again...




Read the full article here.


"There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in London due to mutation of the H1N1 virus into new strain: H1Z1.

Similar to a scare originally found in Cambodia back in 2005, victims of a new strain of the swine flu virus H1N1 have been reported in London.

After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it’s victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”"

Time to dust off the machete and crowbar.





(Of course this is a hoax, but to the peeps that did it... well done. You win the internet.)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Most Random Thief Ever

I was robbed.

My truck was broken into last night. More accurately someone opened the door and felt free to rifle through my belongings.

To be fair, I normally don't lock my truck. I rarely carry anything of value in it other than mail, so it's not a priority. And if someone wants to steal my identity, they can have it, provided they don't mind having their credit slashed in half.

It happened between 1-6am. I've been working late so I didn't even get home until 12:45.

So this morning I overslept, and knew something was awry when I slid in the seat. The receipts I keep for work in the dash were strewn about. Opening the center console, it was apparent that the contents have been rummaged through, and on closer examination so has everything else, except oddly the glove compartment. As many people that travel a lot for work I have a lot of papers/mail/oddities strewn about.

Yes, I feel violated.
But the weird part were the items that were taken.

I quickly did a search for the items that did have a residual value, and they were all there.

Checkbook?... check
Insurance papers? ... check
Approximately $1.47 in change, and a small pile of miscellaneous foreign coinage? ... check

Even my old wedding ring which I had there for the last 3 years was still there.



So what was taken you ask?

So far I've noticed the following missing:

-A case of bottled water
-A half-used bottle of cologne (Lagerfeld Classic, if anyone feels like replacing that for me)
-One of my Netflix movies (Casablanca)
-A bunny Pez dispenser

And the icing on the cake,

-A book of 18th century Irish poetry.


It's like a list of things from a scavenger hunt.


So if you see a shifty-looking character walking around North Austin carrying a random assortment of things and drinking a bottled water, ask him for my pez dispenser.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Don't Make Me Choose

A friend shot me a link to the "Are you addicted to bacon" online quiz over at RecipeStar.

It made me chuckle, so I ran through it. Everything was going fine until I hit this question:


Next thing I knew I was curled up in a fetal position, whimpering softly.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Flame War

Haven't posted anything funny in a while, so check this out.

Obviously Photoshopped.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

To Our Blissful Married Friends & Family...

Open letter from us, the single people of the world to our married friends and family:


We know you love us, and wish we had your blissful life of daily fights, arguments about such weighty subjects as who last took out the recycling, and obligations with the in-laws. But remember the rules are different when dealing with us.

It's probably been a while since you dealt with the single life, so here's a quick rundown...
(thanks to all my single friends who helped me out on this one)

  • ♦ Don't pity us. For the most part we're quite happy coming home to a drama-free existence and our life is not ruined because we're alone.
  • ♦ Don't treat us as if marriage is an eventuality. Some of us working as hard to avoid marriage as you are to endure yours.
  • ♦ Friends, don't try to set us up unless asked. Family, just don't.
  • ♦ When talking about kids, don't remind us of our age and our biological clock. We know how old we are.
  • ♦ Your pet names for each other might be cute, but if they're not around, there is absolutely no reason to use those. Ever. And even when they ARE around, they should only be used when addressing one another.
  • ♦ In that aspect, when together NEVER refer to the other (or you two together) in the third person. We'll smack you.
  • ♦ We should be automatically exempt from showers, weddings and the like unless there's an open bar and a good population of single members of the opposite sex. The gift is kinda like a cover charge. (exception: bachelor parties)
  • ♦ Speaking of gifts, it's insulting to us when we receive a gift "From the Smiths." Can we give a gift "To the Smiths" without looking like a tightass? Of course not.
  • ♦ Don't take it personally when we don't attend some gathering. The onslaught of the talking about married life, little Jimmy's soccer games and Susan's orthodontic work is more annoying than you can imagine.
  • ♦ If you come out with us minus the spouse, there is no reason to check in before you do anything. We're not going to pick up some hookers and knock over a liquor store. If you have to check in when you're heading to the bathroom, stay at home.
  • ♦ Have your own email. You're not one entity.
  • ♦ On that same note, "WE" should not be used when talking about opinion. "WE love the sushi at Yuan's," "WE don't like her hairstyle," "WE think the government should..." etc make no sense.
  • ♦ Yes, most of us wouldn't mind sitting for you. But don't call at the last minute assuming we have no plans because we're not seeing somebody.
  • ♦ Regardless of what you say, it's more expensive to be single. Period.
  • ♦ Another reason we don't spend time traveling to visit is the couch. We hate sleeping on it. Couples seem to automatically get VIP status and the king-size.
  • ♦ Yes, we get bitter around the holidays. You would too when every piece of mail you get is a sappy card with cutesy family photos. Any wonder why we vanish for long stretches?
  • ♦ Don't live vicariously through us. It's sad.
  • ♦ Yes we are happy for you. We're not going to remind you every five minutes.
  • ♦ DO talk to us about music, movies, politics, sports, whatever. Our interests are pretty global.
  • ♦ Don't exclude us from your life just because we'd make it odd-numbered.
  • ♦ Our singularity is not a failure.
We love you guys, and want to spend more time with you. Don't make it too difficult for us.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Con-Nec-Shun

I was doing some research on a post that will never probably see the light of day, namely infomercial scams. You've seen em, particularly if you're an insomniac like me. The "MAKE SO MUCH MONEY ON THE INTRAWEBZ YOU'LL BE PISSING GREY GOOSE" stuff. And mysteriously you'll see the exact same commercial at different times but with different email addresses, such as cash19.com, success54.com, omgimbleedingfrommyanus67.com, etc etc etc.

But I couldn't figure out the angle for Education Connection. You know the commercial, the one that looks like it was made for a school project by students at the ECC Broadcasting School and Mini-Storage; coupled with a jingle that cannot be removed from your brain without proficient use of a power drill.

Not to say I haven't tried.



Exactly the same as the one I saw, except it was listed as SchoolASAP.com. So I did a little digging. SchoolASAP was indeed a separate site, although all of the links directed to http://www.educationconnection.com/...blahblahblah...=1&cid=******* (that last part appears to be most likely a cookie id).

Thumbing around the ToC of the site I ran across a couple of interesting things...

"You may link to the home page of the Site as long as the link does not cast us in a false or misleading light. Please let us know if you link to the Site by contacting us at: "

"Please read this User Agreement carefully, because by visiting or using this Site, you agree to be legally bound by and comply with its terms. If you do not agree to comply with this User Agreement, you are not authorized to use the Site. "

That disclaimer always cracked me up. It always reminded me of the EULA "by reading this you submit your car, house, dog & soul to us and there's not a damn thing you can do about it."


And the true form of the beast comes out when you look at the privacy policy:

"Personal Data. When you fill out a "Student Matching Profile", our Self-Assessment, and at other times, we ask for some information about you, such as your name, age, email address, postal address, and phone number, level of education, desired level of educational program, areas of interest, current occupation, military status (if any), governmental loan status. We do not knowingly collect information from children under the age of 13."

"Anonymous Data. We automatically collect IP addresses and Web site usage information from you when you visit the Site. This information helps us evaluate how our visitors use and navigate the Site on an aggregate basis, including the number and frequency of visitors to each Web page, and the length of their visits."

And in the "How we use your information" part, I saw
"We may combine the information that we collect from you on the Site with information that we collect from third parties. "

And then, Eureka!

"We also share your information with the service providers who help us to run this Site or to fulfill your requests."

In all fairness, there is an opt-out clause...
"You can let us know that you do not wish us to share your information with third parties for marketing purposes or to notify you about our own products and services and special offers by [opting out at the time that you submit your Student Matching Profile..." etc etc.

So I proxied my IP and set off to have them match me up. Of course I randomly clicked options to get me to the page where they ask for my personal info...


(My apologies to the NSA Commercial Solutions Center for using their address and phone #)

So, do you see anywhere on there to opt-out?

Me either.


The results came back and didn't give me the three schools as promised. Nooooo, Just one.



Anyway, I pulled up the IP for EducationConnection and found the site is owned by... Hmm, how interesting.

Kaplan Domains.

Yes, the same Kaplan.

Here's also some from the list of the over 4900 domains they own. all of which have the same page, with the same links.
schoolasap.com
educonnect.com
**goedconnect.com

**educationadvising.com
**educationconnection.com
**edconnectnow.com
(where ** is a 2 digit number. Too many to list)
bachelordegreeeducation.com
theeducationconnection.com
mydegree123.com
etc etc.

You get the picture.


So, in a nutshell, the trick for this site is that they get people to sign up, refer those people to their own school, and then also sell your data to whomever.

Interesting coming from the owner of ECS, AND Kaplan. None other than the Washington Post (the guys that own Newsweek). So this Newsweek article and the rest of the series are shameless self-promotion.


Anyone that is still genuinely interested in pursuing this should read this and this. Or maybe this. Or even this.

And now my work is done. Nothing to do but wait for the libel suit to come rolling in.






P.S. Note to Washington Post: It's not libel if it's true.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

1 Girl 750 Cups

The new girl in my office told me she wanted to prank a guy named Eric for April Fool's. Eric's the OCD one, the kind of guy that flips if everything isn't at a 90ยบ angle. She wanted to Post-it his office. That sounded like fun, until it occurred to me... SHE'S the new one.

We work in a very conservative office (read: full of old guys) and just recently a newer generation has been coming in. Pranks were not really the norm.

Until now.

/snickers


Here's her office.
Very orderly...



Very neat and tidy....




That simply will not do.






The materials:
400 12oz plastic cups
162 9oz paper cups
200 3oz paper cups
one 3qt pitcher
WAAY too much time on my hands.




Starting to lay them out in an orderly fashion



And then the floor



Still moving around the desk. I assumed I wouldn't have enough cups, and I was right. I should've doubled the plastic ones. But I pulled it off by spreading them just far enough apart so you can't get a foot between them.




Executive decision time. I couldn't fill the floor as it was, so I took off the cups from the back table and replaced them with paper. The open spots were for my big caveman feet to move around.



And on to the desk...



And the back table was transformed into...


wait for it...



At this point I started pouring water into the cups. Only about 1/4 full. I wanted to put in just enough water to be annoying (Bear in mind that the nearest sink is over 40 feet away down the hall).



My crowning achievement. For safety reasons I left the cups ON the desk empty.



It took about 8 trips with the pitcher to get water in all of them.



And I still didn't know what to do with the rest of the tiny 3oz cups, so I made a little patio inside the door.





I win.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Ben Harper is a Chick Magnet

Any of you PBS watchers have to know about Austin City Limits. It's been going on for 34 years, with big names playing ranging from Stevie Ray Vaughn to Van Morrison to Norah Jones.

And I'm going.

More specifically I'm going to the taping of Ben Harper and Relentless7 tomorrow.

Lillith also scored tickets, so I was planning a double date. Unfortunately we are both single at the moment, so the problem of finding dates came up.

And this is where Lil becomes lame. She didn't want to find a date on short notice, and also didn't want to be a third wheel. So she's not going.

Lame.

(In her defense she's not feeling well either, but still.)

Anyway, Dateless B did what you do when you need a date fast... Craigslist.
I put a quick post saying I have tickets to see Ben Harper around 3 yesterday afternoon, and by 10ish had at minimum eight responses. and even more by the time I got to work this morning.

Apparently Ben Harper makes girls happy in their naughty bits.

By lunch I had put together my finalists, three that A)sent pictures, B)were cute, and C)didn't seem too much like serial killers. Now any normal person would simply have them all meet in the Pit of Doom and have them fight to the death. But I'm more civilized. I had Lillith and Anna Rosannadanna send me their choices, and then I picked the cutest one.

Grats to Noe (no clue if that's her name, handle, or a word she plans on using).
See you tomorrow night.

Oh, and Lil....

Lame.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

More Rules

Since I posted my rules for life, I've been getting bombarded by more, both personally and from others. Thanks to everyone. Keep sending them in!


Rule 100. There’s always a better way.
Rule 101. You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Rule 102. Spend more time with people over 70 and under 6.
Rule 103. Life is too short to spend angry.
Rule 104. Nobody takes you as seriously as you do. Stop it.
Rule 105. Your journey is yours. Don’t compare it with others.
Rule 106. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, open that bottle of wine. That “special occasion” you’ve been saving those for is today.
Rule 107. People only have as much power over you as you give to them.
Rule 108. Being able to forgive is the greatest power you have.
Rule 109. No matter how much you care, some people are just jackasses.
Rule 110. It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
Rule 111. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Rule 112. It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
Rule 113. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Rule 114. There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
Rule 115. What other people think of you is irrelevant, and none of your damn business.
Rule 116. Give time, time.
Rule 117. If it’s not useful, beautiful, or joyful, get rid of it.
Rule 118. Do the right thing. Always.
Rule 119. Be grateful and thankful.
Rule 120. Enjoy the ride.

THE GREATEST MUPPET MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!

I stumbled across a post by Merrick over at Ain't It Cool. Apparently someone got his grubby little hands on the script for the next Muppet Movie.

/giggity

A short excerpt (SPOILER ALERT):

"When Kermit decides to get the Muppets back together, he sends out the Muppet signal, ala the bat-signal. We then see where all the Muppets are and what they're doing. It's also a very funny sequences. Rowlf is working in a Kinko's run by cats. Gonzo is a crime fighter (including a cameo of Christian Bale in full Batman costume). The Electric Mayhem are performing in some dive bar in Alaska. Animal is in a celebrity rehab center for anger management."

This makes me happy on the inside.

I agree with TGG on this one. The last few Muppet movies were lauded with a thundering "meh," although I do have a love for the "cabin fever" scene in Muppet Treasure Island. Regardless, those last few ones missed the point of the Muppets.

They should be light, fun, and downright silly. This one looks promising.

Manamana.

Yes, I do own this shirt.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Rules for Life

Over the years, I've learned many a thing.

And in order for you to become as awesome as me, I have put together a list of rules for being an all-around kickass person.

So without further adieu...

Tenacious B's Rules for Life


Rule 1. Memorize a poem.
Rule 2. Learn something about everything.
Rule 3. Learn everything about something.
Rule 4. Call your mother.
Rule 5. One person can make a difference.
Rule 6. When people make fun of you, you’re on the right track.
Rule 7. The journey is infinitely more important than the destination.
Rule 8. Know at least 3 jokes: A clean one, a dirty one, and one that makes you snort.
Rule 9. Treat yourself regularly.
Rule 10. Go for a walk.
Rule 11. It’s sometimes ok to say no.
Rule 12. It’s sometimes ok to say yes.
Rule 13. Life is not fair.
Rule 14. Most powerful phrases to know:
• “I Love You.”
• “I was wrong.”
• “I forgive you.”
• “I don’t know.”
• “I promise.”
Rule 15. Most disempowering phrases are:
• “I need to remember to…”
• “You’re wrong.”
• “I’m right”
• “You can’t”
Rule 16. Duct tape can fix almost anything.
Rule 17. Pick your battles.
Rule 18. Work isn’t important.
Rule 19. Perception is reality.
Rule 20. If you aren’t smiling and laughing most of the time, find out why.
Rule 21. Liking yourself is the best way to get others to like you.
Rule 22. Giving Love is the best way to receive Love.
Rule 23. People die.
Rule 24. Nobody can change rule #23.
Rule 25. Give hugs whenever you can.
Rule 26. You are not your parents. Repeat that.
Rule 27. Everything will be fine.
Rule 28. Ask questions.
Rule 29. Answer questions.
Rule 30. Walk in the rain.
Rule 31. Ask yourself, “In 50 years, will this really matter?”
Rule 32. Learn from kids. They see everything we filter out.
Rule 33. Enjoy the cuddle.
Rule 34. Know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
Rule 35. Somebody Loves you.
Rule 36. Your body is the only one you get.
Rule 37. Be nice to strangers.
Rule 38. It’s ok to cry now and then
Rule 39. You can do anything. You can’t do everything.
Rule 40. Live with passion
Rule 41. Your work and your life are mutually exclusive.
Rule 42. Don’t Panic.
Rule 43. Nobody can tell you how to be you.
Rule 44. You deserve everything you earn.
Rule 45. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances even remotely suggest that a woman is pregnant. Ever.
Rule 46. Learn to lead, learn to follow.
Rule 47. Expect the best, prepare for the worst.
Rule 48. Jump in with both feet.
Rule 49. Trust everyone, but always cut the cards.
Rule 50. Get a mentor.
Rule 51. You get back what you put in.
Rule 52. Nothing is a mistake.
Rule 53. Nothing is an accident.
Rule 54. The best is yet to come.
Rule 55. Nobody but you really cares about your birthday. But care about others’.
Rule 56. Smile. Share. Listen. Help. Live. Laugh. Love. Respect.
Rule 57. Start at least one new thing.
Rule 58. Finish at least one old thing.
Rule 59. Smell the flowers, dammit.
Rule 60. Exceed your own expectations.
Rule 61. Leave a place better than when you arrived.
Rule 62. Don’t bullshit yourself.
Rule 63. This too shall pass.
Rule 64. You are the best thing you can give.
Rule 65. Unreasonable people are the ones that change the world.
Rule 66. Find the good in everything.
Rule 67. Obstacles are to be used as tools, not crutches.
Rule 68. We have the capability and right to be happy.
Rule 69. Have no regrets.
Rule 70. Cherish your friends.
Rule 71. Learn about what’s going on in the world.
Rule 72. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
Rule 73. Miracles happen every day. Teach yourself to see them.
Rule 74. Never drink tequila when angry.
Rule 75. You can’t win if you don’t play.
Rule 76. Nobody cares if you can’t sing or dance. Sing and dance.
Rule 77. Jealousy is dumb.
Rule 78. There are no bad emotions.
Rule 79. Learn to be silly.
Rule 80. You can’t please everyone.
Rule 81. There is no acceptable reason for using the CAPS LOCK key. Ever.
Rule 82. Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
Rule 83. Nobody will ever understand women and why they do certain things. Accept this.
Rule 84. Get to the point.
Rule 85. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Rule 86. When delegating, give your hardest task to the laziest person. He’ll always find the quickest and the easiest way to do it.
Rule 87. Never pass up the opportunity to meet someone new.
Rule 88. Thoughts, wishes, goals, and hopes are things. Cherish these.
Rule 89. Karma exists.
Rule 90. When in doubt, reboot.
Rule 91. Define your work; never let your work define you.
Rule 92. No matter how good you are at something, someone is better than you. Find this person and learn from them.
Rule 93. Mean what you say. Say what you mean.
Rule 94. Never stop learning.
Rule 95. Try something new.
Rule 96. Vote.
Rule 97. It’s ok to have high expectations for people, and it’s just as ok to have them not achieve them. Disappointment doesn’t help them, and sometimes they will surprise you with success.
Rule 98. At least once a day, stop and look around you. Don’t let the world go by without your approval.
Rule 99. Let go.


Friday, January 16, 2009

Blast From the Past

Story time!

So sit back and let me tell you a little yarn about your old friend, Tenacious B.

It may give you a little insight as to who he is, and why he is, what he is.



It was the early 90s. Clinton was a new, idealist president, Rodney King was getting his ass beat, as was everyone that went on a date with Mike Tyson. The Pentium was born, Nirvana was top of the charts, and Tenacious B was in Love.

The Big "L."

As in head over heels.

My first real Love.

Her name was Heather.

We had been dating for a couple of years. It was a tumultuous romance, passionate, wild, and carefree only as a couple of inexperienced, dumb 20ish can be. The world was our burrito.

She was graduating and going into the USAF as an analyst. We sat down and made a plan. She was to go through basic and OCS, then when she got assigned I was going to pack up my troubles in my old kit bag and smile, smile, smile. No wait, I was going to move out to be with her. So until basic started she was going to spend some time with her parents in Florida.

I missed her the day she left.

And the day after.

For about a week we talked for hours on the phone each night.

Then one night, the phone didn't ring. It didn't ring the next night. I called, and her sister answered and told me she was out. Ok, have her give me a call when she gets in. The phone didn't ring again. The phone persisted in not ringing. And just as mysteriously, she was not there when I called.

After a week or so, I was getting some stuff together to drive out to Florida to find out what happened, when the phone stopped not ringing.

It was her.

The call lasted for all of two minutes. I don't remember the entire conversation, but I remember the last thing she said to me...

"My life is different now, and you're not a part of it. Goodbye."

Click.

The short version of this was

  • She broke up with me after over two years.
  • I didn't know why.
It's at this point that I find out how important closure is. Six weeks go by. My parents get mail from her.

It was a wedding announcement. My dear, sweet mother (being who she is) sends a short, sweet, congratulatory card. It was returned, "Refused by sender."

It took me a long time to get over her.

Long time. Think years.

**********

Fast forward to last week. I got an email from Facebook and pulled it up on my phone.

From her.

"Heather sent you a message.

--------------------
Subject: ???

Did you live in College Station in mid-90's? If so, I just want to apologize.

Heather"


...

I had nothing. I mean, this was the apology I needed 15 years ago.

FIFTEEN YEARS.

My mind was pulled in 1,463 directions at once. First of all, I WAS over her. So to be honest I really didn't need it. Secondly, I was gracious that she did realize that she hurt me. Also, I was a little angry, sad, happy, appreciative... you get the picture.

I took a day and threw this back, wanting to take the high road:

"Y'know, it's funny. Every year or so I try to find YOU to apologize. I found some trails here and there, but never anything concrete.

I won't lie, you were my first Love and I was hurt. But that was a long time ago, and I made it a point to just remember the good times. We DID have a lot of those, if you remember. Regardless, thank you and I accept.

-B"

Thinking it was over, done. I said my peace and moved on. The next day I got...

"Glad to know that we're in the same place...there were good times.

So anyway, what are you up to these days? I'm in San Antonio working for ATT. Married with a daughter. We just got back from a trip to Hawaii last month. Beautiful, wouldn't mind going there permanently.

H"

That actually bugged me a little. To me it was a "Hey, sorry I broke your heart and punched you in the chest back then. Can I put you on my Christmas list?"

I said nothing. No response.

So a couple of days later I got:

"Re: ???

After my mind has wandered over this for a few days, I'm not sure what you would need to apologize for. I guess each person sees the circumstances differently, and I didn't hold any hard feelings towards you. I was feeling more guilty about how I ended things; I took some actions I feel were really less than true to my nature. I guess you do what you know, and I know better now. Starting to ramble...sorry.

Anyway, hope your happy and doing what is best for you now.

H"

So here's my response (which was never sent)...

Heather,

I appreciate the effort, you did hurt me. What you did was wrong.

COMMA

That was over 15 years ago and I'm over it. I'm over you. What is best for me is to do what I did a decade ago: File away the good memories we had in storage and forget everything else.

THE END.

*************


And they all lived happily ever after.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Welcome to 2009!

It's another year come and gone, and '09 is gonna be kickass.

How do I know this?

Because the B says so.

In accordance with prophecy.

Each year, I like to look back and see what I learned. So without further adieu...

The Top 10 things I learned in 2008

  1. Always know where your cookies are.
  2. Sometimes it's okay to ask for help.
  3. But remember to say "Thank you" and "I Love you."
  4. Cleaning out the closets can cleanse your soul.
  5. Adult novelty stores can be a scary place (albeit fun with the right people).
  6. Kindness gets returned to you.
  7. Anger never solves problems. Hope always does.
  8. Words can hurt more than anything else possibly can.
  9. You can touch a life, make a memory, and change the world without meaning to.
  10. Make sure it's for the better.