Caffeine-addled ramblings, rants, and random thoughts about my life in pursuit of utter awesomeness and general kickassery.

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


It's Girl Scout Cookie time.

Last week in the office breakroom there was an order sheet for the latest and greatest in cookie goodness from one of our IS guys. And I appreciated it. Most places I've worked, when GSC time came around, the parents would become marketing ninjas, leaping out from behind filing cabinets and holding puppies at ransom until we bought thin mints by the gross. It's effective, but usually makes me fantasize about beating them into submission with a cybernetic shark until their chest exploded, and filling the gaping hole in their chest with flaming shortbread cookies.

Not that I'm bitter.

And that's why I really appreciated this. No "Hey, you wanna buy some cookies" tactics like a middle-aged crack dealer. Just, "Here's the sheet if you want to buy some." And I did. I bought some shortbread cookies to dunk in coffee, some peanut butter sandwiches to break apart and stuff in Murphy's kong, and some thin mints because girls seem to like em. The next day was my first day sick, and on Monday I picked them up.

I forgot them in my office yesterday, bolting out the door to pass out (still a little under the the weather). I showed up this morning, anxious to have my soul die at work a wee bit more, and the cookies were gone.



(and no, this was not another Truck Incident)

My company is kind of small, only about 40 employees total, so my best guess is the cleaning staff, or more accurately the kids they bring with them.

I've decided to let it go, because in the grand scheme of things, it's not really worth it.

But I still want a cookie.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Feeling Halfway Human

Back at work today.

Turns out I had the flu.

Funny thing being under the weather. I was laid up for over four days, sleeping three hours, up for two, lather, rinse, repeat. Occasionally drag my ass out of bed to feed and walk the Poot, only to pass out again.

But something unexpected happened.

I started to miss Jean.

(For those of you just joining us, that's my ex-wife)

I don't normally "miss" her. I appreciate the 6 years we had together, and Love her dearly. But miss? Not really.

Perhaps it was because I wanted someone there to take care of me when I needed it. I was delirious at several points with coughing and fever, yet I had to be self-sustaining. It's not that I needed anyone, because I'm the worst patient ever. But it would have been nice to have someone there.

That's it. I'm not getting sick any more.

Too much hassle.

Friday, January 25, 2008

I'm A Genius

The past few days I've been pretending to be sick. Pretending so well, in fact that I've been coughing and sneezing so much my chest hurts, and even run a fever. Yeah, I pretend that well.

So last night I was getting cabin fever so bad I was climbing the walls. I said to myself, "Self, Let's get ourselves something warm to drink."

Of course, I ended up going to church. The Church of St. Arbucks, to be exact.

I'm a huge coffee drinker, no surprise there, but I knew better than to have some this time. And honestly, as much as I like tea, I'm NOT a fan of Chai. But I had an idea.

It took them longer to figure out how to ring it up than make it, and it turned out MUCH better than expected. I'm totally going to make this an usual coffee alt.

So here's what I ordered.

Earl Gray Latte
Tell them to overbrew half a medium cup with 2 Earl Gray teabags.
Then proceed the same way they would make a Chai latte.

It was good. Damn good.

So if you're ever at the St. Arbucks on Anderson Lane in Austin, and some hipster barista in a ponytail and goatee offers to make you a "special" creation, you know where he got the idea.

I'm a genius.

It's ok. Everyone knows.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Attack Of The Ninja Dawg

Guess what I learned today?

Murphy, in all his cuteness...

is a ninja.

That's right. I head home for lunch as usual. Lately he hasn't even been coming to greet me. He's been passed out, dreaming what puppies dream, typically because he spends all night barking at imaginary objects. So I walk to the kitchen, make me a sammich, and sit on the couch to watch The A Daily Show recorded last night.

Still no Poot in sight.

So I walk upstairs to check my email. Not on the bed.


oh well, he's around here somewhere.

Back downstairs, and still don't see him. I flip through the channels until it's time to head back to work. As I stand up, I hear a squeaky yawn and almost jump out of my pants.

That's right, he was asleep in front of the couch THE ENTIRE TIME. Which means I pretty much had to step over him when I sat down earlier. He looked up at me, stretched, circled once, and drifted back off to sleep.


He's a ninja.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Big Talk

In my email today (Thanks Mitch!)

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Monday, January 7, 2008

SEVEN... I'm It!

I've been tagged! (err... a week ago)

Here’s how it works:

Link to the person that tagged you: Fantastagirl

Post the rules for the meme on your blog. And here they are:

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Wow, randomness? ME? HAILLL NO. But this may be a little challenging, since I've aired all of my good bits on past blogs.

1. I record 4 shows regularly on my DVR. The Daily Show, Family Guy, Mythbusters & Superfriends (And yes, I mean the one from the 70s, with the Wonder Twins and everything).

2. I'm going to reiterate the bathroom thing. I'm far from a neat freak, nor am I a germaphobe. However, I HAVE to wash my hands before AND after I go pee. Not sure how it started, but it's almost to the point of "if I don't wash my hands twice for 23 seconds and flip the lights between each time, Jodie Foster will die" paranoia.

3. When I find something good, I stick with it. I'm a VERY loyal customer. I go out of my way (and will pay extra) to go to my stylist (Hi Halley!), my dry cleaner, and my body shop, among others. I only use certain memory in my computers, and and and

4. What will kill a perfectly good movie for me is to have an interesting conceptual idea. Once it occurs to me, I'll flip it over in my mind so much that I'll end up being consumed and ignore the rest of the movie.

5. I repeat myself quite a bit. Believe it or not, it's because my short-term memory is so bad that I really don't remember that I just said that. And I appreciate all my friends that put up with it.

6. The three questions that bug me the most when people first meet me: "Did you play football?" "Who do you remind me of?" and "Can I have your babies?"

7. I love to debate. Especially Jehovah's Witnesses. Jean would brag about how I'm the only person to which JW's would look at their watch and say, "Wow, lookit the time. I gotta go." (Side Story: One time I agreed to have one come in and then proceeded to do a 45 minute presentation on the benefits of becoming an Amway distributor).

Now, I am supposed to tag someone...7 someones.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Bear With Me

I PROMISE I'm still working on two huge, monstrous, ginormous posts. But in the meantime, here are a couple of pics from Xmas at my sister's.

Those cuties are my nephew and niece, Connor-man & Princess Victoria

We had such a blast...

I SO dig being the cool uncle