Caffeine-addled ramblings, rants, and random thoughts about my life in pursuit of utter awesomeness and general kickassery.

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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Catching up

Just to let you guys in on what's going on in my life...

I took a business trip on the 19th, and that was the last one so far. Only one more to go! err...hopefully.

Anyway, this was one I was actually excited about, because it was to where I went to college (the first time). It was so fascinating to head back to where I lived for almost six years when I was young. Reminiscent of my youth, I guess you could say. I was told I should just drive up the morning of the meeting, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to check out my old digs/haunts.

I tried to contact The R.A., one of my oldest and dearest friends. Last I heard he was manager of a place where I used to work. Mr. Mcguillicutty, currently MIA, is truly my best friend in the world. But The R.A. is the one that knows more about me, the one that we did quite a few notorius (i.e. borderline illegal) things together. He's the kind of friend you would have no problems with, and almost expect to be thrown in jail because of. I called the place, and they never. heard. of. him. My heart dropped. I'm sure he was still with the corporation, so
I looked it up and called. They wouldn't tell me. I called back on the 800 number, put on a accent (Pakistani, FTR) and called back to "verify employment." Thank Gawd for US Labor Laws. All you need is a name. He still works for them, but they wouldn't tell me where. Looks like I'm going to have to hire Magnum PI to find him. Maybe he'll do a two-for-one and find Mr. McGuillicutty while he's at it.

I ended up doing some barhopping anyway. I hit the bar that I pretty much lived at from age 18-24, and stopped off at two others where I used to work. I felt kinda old (in the latter two I was definitely the oldest one there), but it made me feel youngER. Sort of a "Reliving your youth" moment. Felt good.

The following weekend was the moment I've been waiting for. I turned off my phone, refused to go in to work, and did... NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. For the first time in almost two months I sat on my ass. I napped a lot, did NOT clean, did NOT work, did NOT blog (but y'all know that). It was awesome.


Saturday, July 28, 2007

Thank You

Everyone should be told regularly how special and important they are. Not necessarily as an ego boost, but it gets really easy to forget.

So without further adieu,

ChaCha- You are an incredible woman. You helped me find the kickass guy you see today. I (heart) you for being you. The complete package. You put the stars in my eyes. Take good care of my heart, for it still belongs to you.

N- You're one of my closest, dearest friends. You and I are kindred spirits, and we are the foundations from which we both can build. Thank you for being in my life.

Mr. McGuillicutty- We haven't spoken in years, yet I still consider you my best friend. You are the only person I have EVER played straight man to. Hopefully we shall find one another again, and rekindle that kind of lifelong friendship that is legendary. Plus, your wife is really hot.

Jesus and The R.A.- Same goes for you. Let's go to Vegas! (Or Bossier).

A- You're a new player in my life, and I see this friendship heading far forward. Thanks for reminding me something about myself. Great minds think alike, even if they are a bit deviant. Like Mr.McG, you seem to be the type that can get us into serious trouble, legal or otherwise. See you at the bail hearing.

To everyone else in my life, past, present, and future- I would not be this person without all of you. Since I am so awesome, you all are awesome by association... Even the tools and the fartknockers I've known.

Thank you.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


As a child of the 80s (cringe), I remember quoting Short Circuit, the appalling Short Circuit 2, and the best out of the bunch, Short Circuit 3.14159265358979323846.

And now, for a limited time, you can OWN JOHNNY #5!

That's right, the last original surviving robot is for sale on eBay.
For a low, low price of $100,000.


Talk to you soon, off to buy a lottery ticket.

Man, Has It Been That Long?

I've been slacking.


After returning from my last trip on Thursday, I was faced with a conundrum. That is...

A weekend. Really. It's been a while.

Two days where I didn't have to go in to work. Or pack. Or run to the cleaners. Or have to explain to the Execs that the reason why I was so far behind was that I was on the road wasting my time.

And so, as Saturday approached, I decided what I was going to do.




Which was EXACTLY what I did. No going in to work, no packing, no bill-paying, no blogging, nothing.

It felt good.

Ok, I DID make some notes for future posts, do two loads of laundry, saw a movie with ChaCha, and went to the gym on Sunday, but that was it.

Did I mention how good it felt?

And now, refreshed, I'm ready to take on the world again.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

YAY! "LIFTED" New Pixar Short

If you haven't seen the new Pixar short, you don't know what you're missing out on. It was cracking me directly the hell up.

Check it out, before Disney and their legal gestapo gets it taken off.

Ok, found another copy. This one isn't as high a quality as the last one, but still watchable.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I'm Done

It's 5am and I'm awake. I came back from another business trip last night, and by this afternoon I'll be heading out again. After this week if everything goes as scheduled, I'll only have one more trip to go this year. And yet I'm done.
I've said in the past several times that I am quitting, even walked out twice. But something happened last week that ensured my exit.

For the record, I like my job.
Not Love.

I feel as what I'm doing is important in a grand scheme. It is a job that not many people are even aware of, and because of the uniqueness of the work, it comes with great security. The pay isn't great, but decent, and plus I'm on salary.

I also like my company.
Small-"L" like.

There's a lot of freedom I have as well. For the off-season, I can take off early if I want, take 2 hour lunches, etc. They don't monitor my Internet usage, and that's where I do quite a bit of blogging. Plus, I can spend quite a bit of time on IM.

Am I willing to walk away from that? You bet.

Several things have happened recently that helped me create this choice. With that came several realizations.

  • Regardless of the words my VP and others up the food chain have told me, they want to keep me in this position. Forever. At the same pay. Did I mention forever?
  • I'm an idea man. I've come up with numerous plans, ideas, tools, software, improvements in the past, almost all met with great excitement, enthusiasm, and fanfare. And in the three years I've been there, exactly ONE has been implemented, and that's just because I was able to do it my own damn self in my free time, and rolled it out without their help.
  • COROLLARY: As much as they've touted the company as "progressive," even to our clients they promise improvements they are capable of, yet don't deliver. Because of this, we keep losing clients. Big Clients. And since we're a government contractor, the number of potential clients is finite. This is a sinking ship IMO. Which brings me to:
  • Salary. For the past 26 months I've had exactly the same salary. And chances are good that they'll pass us over again.
Those are the main points, and nothing new. Underpaid, Overworked, and Unappreciated. But not the most important one.

It's me.

I don't like who this job is turning me into. I'm normally a happy, driven, goal-oriented, caring individual. But lately I'm someone completely polar from that. Some of the things I say or do ARE NOT ME. I'm not happy. I say things that are insensitive, and occasionally dickish. Something like that happened yesterday. I tried to say something funny to someone, and it spiraled and morphed into something completely foreign. Worst part, I didn't even realize it until this morning.

So I'm done. I will be quitting sometime in September. That is unless something miraculous happens, like they randomly decide to promote me, or give me a fat raise, or the Grinch's small heart grows three times that day and breaks that little window.

But it was very emancipating when I made the decision to give my employers the virtual finger.

This will give me time to take my vacation, look for other venues, buy a house, and time to get my business going. Updates soon to follow.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Quote of the Day

"All children need a laptop. Not a computer, but a human laptop. Moms, dads, grannies and grandpas, aunts, uncles -- someone to hold them, read to them, teach them. Loved ones who will embrace them and pass on the experience, rituals and knowledge of a hundered previous generations. Loved ones who will pass to the next generation their expectations of them, their hopes, and their dreams."

--General Colin L. Powell

Friday, July 13, 2007

These Hands

My hands define me.

They are not beautiful, but my entire history can be found within them. They probably have aged more than any other part of me, the skin a little thicker, the veins pushing out, the wrinkles a bit more pronounced.

But it is the part of me that has accomplished so much.

People that know me are used to me connecting with them by touching. Holding someone's hand, cradling their face, caressing their skin has such an incredible connection for me. Holding them close out of joy, love, or sadness makes me feel conjoined to the soul, the humanity intertwining between us.

I notice my scars. There's the ironic circular one on my left ring finger from when I first cooked dinner for my future wife. The jagged one from four years old when my sister cut it with a hatchet (For real). The one on my palm from when I once rescued a little girl's toy from a fire.

It's the accomplishments of these hands though, that make me love them. They have created art, countless sketches and paintings, wielding a brush as a conductor of a symphony. They have held the pen when I have written beautiful love poems, enigmatic stories, and dismal confessions. These hands wrote numbers on a page and made them dance. They have molded clay into sculpture, dough into bread, and raw wood into form. They can take tiny metallic bits and create technological wonders. And the typing.

These hands have worked hard to enable my survival. I remember the manual labor I once did in my youth. I was young, but my hands were hard and calloused, as I went home with the blisters and sores and stiffness that came with it. I have had many jobs, and even today, I thank my hands for the work they put in tirelessly, even though it has moved from a sickle to keyboard, from a wrench to reams of paper.

I am so incredibly grateful that I know Sign Language. Because of them, I can communicate with others that cannot speak. It amazes me even today when I see these hands carve words in the air, bridging the gap between cultures. There is a poetic movement in speaking without voice.

And yet, with everything they can do, it is nothing compared to what they have let me experience. They have held a newborn baby, cradling it, as the child reaches out for their first human connection, and grips tight one of my fingers. They have also held the hand of someone breathing their last breath, feeling that one final squeeze as they pass on.

With these hands I have held close someone I love, was able to feel the strands of hair as I run my fingers through. The way their skin feels as we lie next to one another, the skin warm beneath my touch.

They have held people close, and pushed people away. They have been used in Love, as well as anger. They can tickle and scratch. They are who I am, and I am this person for having them.

Thank you.

Damn Those Game Designers!

I've wasted quite a few months hours addicted to Desktop Tower Defense lately, and I finally had the addiction to flash games licked. I was grateful since now some actual work could get done.

SIDE NOTE: My secret to curing my gaming addiction? Heroin.


A reader recently sent me the link of a relatively new game called BLOXORZ (Thanks a fuckin' bunch, Joel!)

Don't even THINK about opening it unless you:
A)Have a lot of free time
B)Don't care about minor things like eating
C)Have a 12-step program on speed dial

You can click here to play it in full browser mode.

So far I'm up to Level 28.


Red Commie Bastard.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Getting in shape

In my plan to get even more kickass than I already am, I just now joined a gym. Finally. I decided to go with 24H Fitness. First of all, it's closer to me AND cheaper than the Y. I spoke with Gold's Gym, and they flat out refused to give me a price over the phone. I know that means they want to give me the hard sell. When they gave me a "courtesy call" back about a week ago, I kindly refused. Ok, I'm lying. I laughed, and gave an anatomically impossible suggestion on what to do with a barbell.

Anyway, I found some workout videos so you can play the home game.
These are best with the sound on.

It's almost hypnotic...

I tell you now, don't watch this. After scrubbing my eyes with bleach, it still haunts my dreams.

I challenge you to not crack directly the fuck up. It's like a train wreck. I had to watch it twice.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I Am Rich

I'm doing something different today. The following is a (edited) part of something written in my private journal last night. Those of you looking for the funny or random ramblings can skip over this.

I am rich. Not from the things I have, but the things I had. Taking inventory of my life right now, I have nothing.

That's not entirely true.

I currently have much to be proud of in my life. However, the important things, the things we must give priority to have been taken away.

Yet I am rich.

I have the best friends. Friends that would do anything for me, friends that have been there for me, that helped me in and out of trouble, that grew with me. We lost touch when we started moving away. Now they are scattered across the country, in unknown venues. My best friend ever is someplace unknown, and we haven't spoken in years. Yet I am rich for having known them.

I have the best family. A loving, caring family. It was strange to see those around me with broken homes, various levels of abuse, or even to not ever have known the love that could come from such a family. Yet when I am around them, I feel as an intruder. There has always been a rift, mostly due to religion and ideals. I love them, and am loved by them. But I am a stranger in a familiar house. Yet I am rich for being a part of that.

I have one of the greatest minds. All formal education and modesty aside, I perused the cosmos, and developed theories that are still being spoken of. I consumed books, facts, theories and knowledge like a rabid beast. I had thoughts and knowledge on every subject. A woman on her cell phone while driving changed all that. My injury left me physically capable, but took away that which was most precious to me, my brilliance now sullied. My feet are now unwieldy and leaden. It's difficult to walk when you know how it feels to fly. Yet I am rich for having known that feeling.

I have the greatest Love. I have so much Love to give, and all I wanted was to share that with someone that fits in my life completely. I decided on what I wanted, and mailed a letter to the Universe. The universe in turn sent me ChaCha. She is everything to me. The Love that I feel for her is so complete, so passionate that I feel it with every ounce of my being. She did not feel the same way for me, so I will walk into the sunset without the woman of my dreams. Yet I am rich for having felt that all-encompassing Love.

The most important things in life are just these four- Friends, Family, Self, and Love. I am rich for having them, in spite of being taken away from me.

This is my mourning.

It Was Only a Matter of Time

Here's a shout out to my Geeps.*

Someone out there managed to get World-Of Friggin-Warcraft to run on his iPhone. Obviously there are issues, and it seems to take forever to actually accomplish anything. But all shortcomings to the iPhone notwithstanding, I am impressed by the capabilities.

Regardless, you HAVE to be impressed. Maybe a little?

*My own brand-spankin' new word. Means "Geek Peeps." Copyright pending.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Worth a Thousand Words

'Nuff said.

Click on the image for the full size

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Time To Go Under The Knife

Err, metaphorically speaking.

Adam at Ah Ok Lah, is offering free blog reviews. Well, for a link to his site. So here's the link, and now my blog will be up for pointing and snickering constructive criticism.

I have to admit I'm a little nervous, especially since I have very little return traffic. I keep reminding myself that my writing is for me, and for those close to me to keep up with my life.

Now the dark, brooding honesty...

I have this fantasy that people all over the world will someday sit in front of their computers for days, mashing the Refresh button, anxiously awaiting my next post. It is, after all, my first step in world domination.

Regardless of how the review turns out, I promise to post a link when it's complete.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

My dreams of financial independence are shattered

The six people that actually read my blog might notice that the Google Adsense and the Amazon ads are now gone.

I decided that they were a bit distracting, and also totally useless. Upon checking my Adsense account today, I discovered that I had a whopping seven-ish dollars, after over two months. Time to buy that plasma tv!

Therefore, I chose to take them off.

I write mostly for myself anyway, so it's not too much of a loss.

Maybe once I become legendary and famous worldwide, THEN I'll start being greedy and looking down upon you peons with loathing and pity.

Cat Herding

Got nothin' for today, so here's one of my favorite commercials of all time.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Guess What? On A Business Trip!

Yeah, another. On a fucking holiday.

I'm TOTALLY done with this. Anyone need a kickass employee?

I don't ask for much. Really. Just a six-figure salary, company Jaguar, my own wet bar, and a really hot 18-year-old assistant that calls me "Mr. B" and gives me back rubs (with happy endings).

I'm worth it. I swear.

In the meantime, I have to drive out of the county to have dinner. Oh, they have restaurants here, but they

Commie bastards...

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

iPhone Blues

To everyone that waited in line and spent the Gross National Product of Zimbabwe for an iPhone, I received a verrrrrrry interesting email on the subject from a reader (Thanks, Ric!).

Here's the deal. Your battery starts going south, as all rechargeable batteries are wont to do. So what do you do? Send the phone to Apple along with $85+, and they'll replace the battery within three business days (Side note: you lose ALL data and settings saved).

Sorta makes me all weepy. Of course, when I read that I had to laugh hysterically until I nearly passed out.

If you don't believe me, Click Here.

Yep, On The Road Again

Whoever invented 5 am should be dragged out into the street and shot.

Three hours of sleep is pushing the envelope, even for an insomniac like me. This was because I stayed up until about 2 waiting for a phone call. I'm funny that way.

Right now I'm having my first cigarette of the morning, and getting ready to head down to San Antonio for work. It's only about a 90 minute drive, so it's just a day trip. I also get to take my folks out for dinner tonight, so it's not a total loss.

HOWEVER, then I come home and get to pack for yet ANOTHER trip. That's right. Because I'm such a wonderful, dedicated employee that doesn't want to get fired, I'm heading out for the D/FW area tomorrow for a three day trip.

Think about that.

Tomorrow. As in Wednesday. As in July 4th. I will spend our Independence Day traveling. for. work. So if there are any cute girls out there near Fort Worth that want to spend July 4th with a REALLY kickass guy, drop me a line. I'll bring the scotch.

I'm starting to believe that my job sucks.

UPDATE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I get pulled over on the way. Omen, anyone?

Monday, July 2, 2007

I'm a Cheap Bastard: CONFIRMED!

So I went and returned the cheap-ass laptop today.

One of the many jobs I have had in my life was working customer service for a major electronics retailer. I won't mention the name, but it starts with a "C" and rhymes with Nurcuit Nity. Retailers lose a LOT of money on returned laptops, as there's almost no markup. Because of that I knew I had to have my game face on and prepare for a fight. I had what I was going to say, the reason for the return, what was the problem, was there any damage, did I pee on it, how much porn was on it, etc.

I walked in and was immediately yelled at by the WalMart geriatric ward. "You returnin' that?" I spun around and said yes to the 90-something guy hunched over a basket filled with smiley-face stickers. He then proceeded to write something down on a small orange piece of paper. "What's dat dere?" pointing at the box. Ok, maybe his vision was going. "A laptop," I said, lifting up the box to show. He looked down the checklist on the orange paper, looked at the box, the paper, the box, the paper, etc. He got the same look on his face as my grandpa used to while looking at the crossword puzzle. It was the appearance of someone trying to do long division in their head while juggling chainsaws. He took the box from me and turned it over, peering at each face of the box very carefully, and then looking at the receipt I timidly handed to him. Looking up at me again, he asked, "What is this again?" I pointed at the large picture of the PC on the front, and said, "A... laptop?" not sure if I had to explain the concept of this new-fangled technolomagy to Fred (I finally took a look at his name tag in case I ever saw him wandering the streets looking for the cat he had when he was 5). He finally gave up and scribbled "laptop" at the bottom of the paper and dismissed me by waving his hand towards the second airlock door. I took the box and backed away carefully, in case he was skittish.

Ok, SHOWTIME! Got my story straight in my head, waited for them to call me up from the imaginary line on the floor, and got ready for the questions. "I want to return this," I said assuredly, like I was speaking in front of Congress as I rested the box on the counter.


The minimum-wage girl opened the box, glanced in and started processing the return. The only thing she asked me was to see the credit card I used. If I wasn't this awesome guy I am, I could TOTALLY take advantage of Wally World, if this is the process for returns.

But I am a nice guy, so I took my receipt with the $534.24 credit, and sauntered out into the heat of the afternoon with a fabrication of an unused excuse hanging heavy on my back. If only she would have asked questions, the burden of those words would not be walking out with me.

As I unlocked my car, I saw a lady walking past me towards the store. "It didn't have the capabilities I needed!" I yelled as I stepped in my truck, and drove away.


SIDE NOTE: My griping has paid off. I got a tablet PC from my company today left over from someone that quit three months ago. And I am NOT letting this one out of my sight. In fact, it's right here nex.... Well, I'm sure it's in my apartment somewhere.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Asking Google Image Search

I was looking for pictures of tornadoes today on Google Image search (don't ask) and as I always do, got kind of distracted. But the search engine seemed so intuitive, I thought I'd ask it those important questions in my life. Here are the results...

Q: Why am I here?

Ok, something to do with ducks, a blue dog and a cake. Kind of esoteric. Maybe the question wasn't specific enough.

Q: What's the meaning of my life?

Errr... I got nothin'.

Let's try a different approach.

Q: Will I be happy?

(ChaCha, I SWEAR, that's what came up).

Hmmm, ok, maybe destiny questions aren't it's forte. Lemme try something simpler.
Q: What will I get for my birthday?

Apparently Goldie Hawn in a bikini (not that I'm complaining).

Here I shifted to Magic 8-ball questions.

Q: Will my business be a success?

And NO, my business idea has nothing to do with that. Although....

Q: What kind of business will it be?
Back to the ducks. This isn't working.

Q: What should I have for lunch?

Q: Are you trying to be some kind of smartass?

Alright. I'm done. Now it's just messing with me.