Caffeine-addled ramblings, rants, and random thoughts about my life in pursuit of utter awesomeness and general kickassery.

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Friday, June 29, 2007


WARNING: This post will confuse the hell out of most of you. Still, it's something to think about.

We all have to make choices in our lives every day. Each of those choices define us, recreate our lives constantly. It makes us who we are. We choose to get out of bed, we choose to go to work, we choose to take certain paths, we choose to be the kind of person we want to be. Everything I've done in my life, who I am, is an extension of each decision I have made up to now.

Now here's the hard part...

We are affected by the choices of others. We cannot decide on what others around us choose to do, but we CAN decide on how it affects us. Nietzsche once wrote, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger." That's only half right. It makes us stronger only if we choose to. It's not always easy, but it's that point in which we stand up and take control of ourselves.

A problem that we must face with that is when we make one that hurts ourselves. I had to make a really hard decision today that hurt not only someone I Love very dearly, but myself as well. Was it the right choice? It doesn't matter. What matters is that the choice was made. No, it wasn't necessary to make that decision, but it was best for the moment, and hopefully for the future. For both of us.

The choices we make have a causality. That other person made a choice (several, in fact) that created several paths for me to take. I decided on one, and because of that, I had to make another choice, as did the other person. And so on...

Following me so far?

We have the power within us to create ourselves. Unfortunately that's about the limit. I can only see my universe. We cannot see or create others'.

And regardless of my decision, I still choose to Love.

Five-Day Business Trip: Back in Austin

Wow. I can't tell you how good it feels to be back home. Even the living room, messy from packing, was a pleasant sight.

Now the numbers:

Hours since pulling out of my parking lot: 92.5
Miles driven: 707
Hours worked: 23
Hours slept: 21
Average time of wake-up call: 5:15
Cups of coffee: 3,452
Text messages sent: 46
Amount spent of my own money: $162.48 (includes gas)
Amount charged to the company card: $883.27
Articles of clothing ruined: 2
Pounds gained: 7
Pages written in journal: 8
Life-changing decisions made: 2
Hours until the next trip: 86

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Five-Day Business Trip: Day #4

Most people don't believe me when I say that I am Murphy's Law incarnate, that strange things happen to me routinely, almost expectedly.

Others that have known me for a while smile and nod their heads. They know.

I'm in a conference with one of the first people this morning at about 9. I wasn't able to hook up my computer in this particular room, so occasionally I have to get up and go to another room to use my co-worker's laptop. On the second trip of the sort, I felt something poke me and then my ass fell out of my slacks.

The office chair I was sitting in had a staple hanging off. Apparently my pants snagged it and ripped an 8 inch gash down, all down my left cheek.

(To certain people that shall remain nameless: Yes, and Thank Gawd)

So the rest of the day, including lunch, I had to wear my blazer. My wool blazer.
Did I forget to mention that the A/C in this building had been out the last three days?
Not to mention the fact that I rode in with someone from the hotel, so I had no transport.

Another thing I have learned from this trip:

  • Wool suit+ 92° + embarrassment = Sweat.

Lots of it.


I could grow rice.

So when the ladies in the office (that normally seen to view me as eye-candy) see me, they're saying, "You MUST be hot. Take off that jacket."
"Err, no. That's ok. I'm actually a little chilly," as I almost squish as I walk back to the office.

Welcome to my world.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Five-Day Business Trip: Day #3

Things I've learned on this trip:

  • There is NO way to smoothly traverse Houston. I'm starting to believe that the majority of the two million people that live there are paid to get in their cars and find what road I'm on. They get their bonuses based on whether they can cut me off.
  • Being alone with your thoughts for hours on end is not necessarily a good thing. Especially when you're tired. Those little voices in my head that usually have some pretty good ideas are now making evil choices... Don't ask.
  • There are times to ignore those voices.
  • Maps are good. 'Nuff said.
  • After two hours in a car there will be a heated, borderline violent debate on something meaningless. This applies even if you're driving alone.
  • The radio is evil. I've mentioned that before. It will find some obscure thought or emotion rattling in your head and play some song to feed that into a frenzy.
  • Texas is really beautiful. It does get hard to see that after a while. I made myself a note that's on my steering wheel. It says simply, "look around."
  • It gets lonely out there.
  • I miss being home.
  • I am SO working on my business after this season.
  • Jacuzzis are nice.
  • Take a voice recorder with you on long trips. It comes in handy.
  • Take directions with you on long trips. It comes in handy.
  • You can recreate yourself when by yourself.
  • But sleep on it first.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I'm a Cheap Bastard

I promised you the story on my new laptop, so here goes...

I can't find my business laptop. I know, I know. "B, how could you not find something like a laptop?" Honestly, I only use it about five months out of the year, when traveling. The rest of the time I either use my desktop at work or my PC at home. So the last time I ever really booted it up was November of last year. And now I can't find it.

As far as I can figure, one of four things happened to it:

  1. It got stolen (for real)
  2. Someone from the office took it away to get it fixed... six months ago.
  3. The NSA (or RIAA) acquired it to assist them in future litigation.
  4. I misplaced it, most likely somewhere in my pad.
I'm leaning towards #4, simply because I know me. Yes, even after I tore apart my apartment trying to find it. It's the way of my people.

Anyway, I knew I'd be doing these long trips and did NOT want to be stuck without being connected.. After all, I know y'all hang on my every word and could not stand to be without my posts for more than a few days.

Trust me on that. I strongly recommend you don't try it. Your nipples will fall off and a moist substance will shoot out of your navel.

Besides, I needed SOME way to watch por...err, movies while I'm alone in my room.

Therefore, I decided to purchase a laptop, rather than tell my IT dept. And by "purchase" I mean "take home from a store and return it within the return period." Ok, so sometimes I'm THAT guy. Only problem was that every place I looked at had a restocking fee ranging from 10-15%. Kind of a steep rental fee, if you ask me (which I know you did).

Except WalMart. I know, that should have been the FIRST name on my mind when I think of "cutting-edge technology." I always had mixed feelings about Wally World. But I still go there occasionally because A) The prices are pretty good, and B) I always feel better about myself after seeing the people shopping there. It's like Jerry Springer: The Ride.

They had a 30-day return policy, and no restocking fee. DONE, as far as I was concerned. I walked to the tech area, which consisted of misstocked CDs, REALLY cheap TVs, and two white Gangsta wannabes that obviously go there to play Xbox games for free on the display. Or maybe they were employees. /shrug.

I located the laptop display, which had four available, including this one. The one with a 15.4" widescreen display, DVD burner, and 802.11g connectivity. For $498.00.

Let me say that again.

Four hundred and ninety-eight dollars.



Click Here if you don't believe me.

I figured it was good enough for blogging and email, and I was right. Honestly, that's about all it's good for. Granted, it might be worth it if you max out the memory, and don't try to try anything too advanced. ChaCha suggested I try to load World of Warcraft on it. I chose not to, because I was afraid the PC would curl into a fetal position and start whimpering.

My question is, should I return it? Even though it's the cheapest new laptop I've ever seen, it's still $500-ish, which is money I really don't have. Of course, even if I don't, I'll probably give it to my nephew (he's turning 12 this year).

So what do y'all think? Bite the bullet and prove I'm the best uncle ever, or be sensible for once and try to not max out my credit cards?

Five-Day Business Trip: Day #2

Nothing really to report. Worked all day, had lunch at DQ (long story), Dinner at a funky little Mexican place, and now I'm in my hotel room waiting for the scotch to kick in.

And naked. I'm TOTALLY naked.

What Kind of Coffee am I?

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

Monday, June 25, 2007

Five-Day Business Trip: Day #1

The trip so far has been pretty uneventful aside from a shitstorm that hit this morning, but I won't go into that.

But because of aforementioned Storm o'shit, I leave a little late. At least I seemed to time it perfectly, which put me getting into Houston right at the beginning of rush hour. PERFECTLY, I SAY. I was on the beltway trying to get to the other side of town. Now for those of you that have never been in Houston, the beltway is a toll road costing an average of $87.53 per nanometer, and driving from one side of Big H to the other is only about 4,876 miles. I'm SO billing my company for the tolls. On top of all that, it's rush hour, so it's about as close to a moving parking lot as humanly possible.

Regardless, I made it in about 7:15. And as I'm checking in, they inform me that my 2 double-bed nonsmoking room is available. "Uhhh, What the hell have you been smoking? Kiss my ass, moron", was my response. Or something like that. It was that or "Sir, I believe you are mistaken." Either-or. That's when I whipped out my handy-dandy internet confirmation asking for a smoking king. Their response was "Erp."

Great start to my trip, I know.

So now I'm spending the next two days in the only other room available, a Jacuzzi suite with a king in the bedroom. That's right. They also gave me a discount on the room. But since this is going on the company card anyway, I honestly don't give a shit.

And now at 9:16, I just got back from a steak dinner, I'm on my brand spankin' new laptop (which I'll tell you about in my next post), sippin' scotch and waiting for my Jacuzzi to fill. The only thing I need right now is ChaCha in various levels of undress offering to pleasure me in borderline illegal ways.

This week may not turn out so bad after all.

Out of Town Again

This afternoon I'm heading out again on business. I'll be gone til Friday night, but I'll be checking in and posting once I get to my hotel.

Talk to you soon!


Friday, June 22, 2007

Too much to say, not enough words

I write a lot.

Those of you that read my blog are not surprised by that. But what you don't see is how much more I write than what is just posted here. For every post, there are about three that don't make the cut.

I also have a personal journal where my more private thoughts are listed, for nobody else's eyes but my own. What amazes me is that it's infinitely easier to write for the blog. My more introspective ramblings have a hard time becoming words. I always thought it would be the other way around. It would make more sense that if you can write openly, unhindered by correctness or self-censorship that the words would flow out as a river.

But that is not the case. My blog posts come almost too easily, and yet it's difficult for me to make my own words to myself.



I decided today that I will soon become a Captain of Industry, or maybe even President. Not because of power or status, I just want to be able to ask Angelina Jolie if she would be on my staff...

TGIF all!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Business Trip #1

I won't go into what I do for a living, but this time of year is my busy season, involving a LOT of work and travelling all over Texas.

My boss comes into my office on Monday around noon. He looks at me rather strangely and says, "Are you going to be in Live Oak tomorrow?"

I've had quite a few "Oh Shit" moments lately, WAY past my comfort level. I pull up my calendar and sure enough, I have to be in South Texas the next morning. I also needed to have reports finished and run (these reports in particular take about 10-14 hours) to take with me. And Live Oak County is in south Texas, about a three hour drive from Austin. So I bust my ass to get the reports started, then run home to pack. Lucky for me I've gotten good at travelling, and I can do a one day trip with a small bag. So at home I grab a suit which I can iron at the hotel, my toothbrush and product, and run back to the office. The reports have been running for about 3 1/2 hours and it was about... 1/10th finished.

To hell with it. I closed up shop and headed out the door. My biggest problems with going out of town on such short notice were:

  • Not having CDs burnt. Three hours of trying to find a station in BFE (Bum Fuckin' Egypt for those of you that aren't Texans).
  • Not leaving early enough to miss rush hour. Especially since I have to drive through two cities to get there.
  • Not having time to get my suit cleaned. At least Febreeze is my friend.
  • Not having time to stop off at the liquor store.
So I took off towards the bustling metropolis of George West, Texas. To get there, drive south out of San Antonio. Drive until you're completely lost in the middle of nowhere, then turn right and go 15 miles.

Back to the radio. I was ok going through Austin and San Antonio, but after that, pickings were rather slim. Scanning through, I heard plenty of Tejano, preachers (on a weekday afternoon...on FM. For real), and country. I finally picked up a station that sounded promising, until I heard this:

"K***, today's top hits, and now Cutting Crew with I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight."
Read that again, you'll get the irony.

Also on that station the ads were a little odd, mostly help wanted ads. I'm talking 90 second ads for assembly-line workers making $7/hour. I thought I heard that wrong, but they repeated the wages FOUR TIMES, as if that was a executive salary. In addition, some of the other points they made sure to advertise were "Paid Jury Duty!" "Free Parking!" and "On-Site Cafeteria!" Now, not to rag on the low-wage people, cause we were all there at one time... Ok, maybe not Paris Hilton... but if you're making $7/hr, 401K's might not be too much a priority.

So I finally get into town at about 7, check into the hotel. The other guy from my office was already there. I call him and we meet up downstairs to go to dinner. That's the good part of travelling. Yay company card! So we start driving around, looking for a restaurant. 20 minutes later, we're still looking. We end up eating dinner at Burger King. I swear I'm not making that up. That was the nicest place we could find. The next day I asked a lady where they go out to eat. She said, usually on special occasions we go out to the Truck Stop. Really. I think I got a hernia holding back laughter.

These are the kind of places I have to go to all summer long. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in a briar patch myownself. The people are as nice as they could be, and they actually use words like "varmint."

Other than that, it was pretty uneventful. I didn't have my laptop with me, so I ended up making paper airplanes in my room all night. Oh, the TV was on, but in order to change the channel, you had to push down the buttons on the remote until they came out the other side, sometimes taking a fingernail with it. And apparently it was a dry county. Wish I would've known.

One down, ten to go.

Sometimes Even I Have Good Quotes

Gonna geek out for a sec. I was on IRC last night, and once again the Linux and Mac nerds came in with their self-righteous indignation. The names have not been changed to protect the idiotic...

nicotenewarrior: I can't figure it out.
PhatRH: of course u have problems running that shit
PhatRH: u need to use a real os. switch to linux moron
wikipenis: my ibook never has had a crash.ever.
TenaciousB: Look, Windows might have its issues, but I don't think I'll ever change OS
wikipenis: macs are far supirior
deadboy: Windows is overrated. So is Mac IMO
DeathNinja: Can't we all just get along?
PhatRH: name 1 thing u've ever done with windows that we can't do
TenaciousB: Well, for one I've never had to run a program in a Linux or Mac emulator...
wikipenis: ...
PhatRH: shit
nicotenewarrior: wow.
* PhatRH has left #rant
DeathNinja: LOL
* BillTheDog bows to TenaciousB
* nicotenewarrior cheers!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Ode To The Nice Guys

I came across this and it made me smile.


Amos- The Imperator of Pop

I just came back from a business trip and am still working on the post to tell you all about it. In the meantime...

I posted this on YouTube LOOOOOOONG ago and am still getting comments.

Gotta LOVE those Iranian-born Germans. Gold Lamé FTW!

Monday, June 18, 2007

10 Best Educational DVDs

Thinking about my Dad yesterday made me think of the things we DO have in common. One of the key things we have always been able to connect on is the passion for nature and science. We used to always watch PBS together (cable was never available where we grew up), especially Science and Nova.

Learning new things, especially how our universe works has always been a passion. Some of these are fun, some are downright amazing productions. If you want to buy them I've provided a link on each one (Just click on the picture. BTW, Shift-clicking on the picture will open the link in a new window). And if you want to buy ME a copy of any of these (hint, hint), shoot me an email and I'll let you know where to ship it. :D

So here's my list of the top 10 Educational DVDs out there.

10. Who Killed the Electric Car?- Most of us that grew up in the 80s remember the EV1 or the LeCar, two electric-only vehicles. Now, with gas prices soaring and fossil fuels depleting, the electric car is nowhere to be found. Not as entertaining as it could be, but the film is poignant and well done. Worth renting.

9. Super Size Me- Ok, so the educational aspect is a little stretched here, but this is a wonderful documentary on obesity and fast-food corporate policies. It took me about a month after watching this for me to eat fries again. Morgan Spurlock shows off his talent for information with great voracity.

8. Schoolhouse Rock- I HAD to throw this in here. Schoolhouse Rock was an iconic series that most of us grew up with. Honestly, that's why I know the preamble to the constitution. Now sing along with me, "Conjunction Junction, what's your functiooooon..." I STILL watch this. The DVD set is WELL worth it.

7. In the Womb (National Geographic)- Visually stunning. Using cutting-edge technology, you can follow the birth of a child from conception to birth, literally watching the development. A must-have for new parents, and also IMHO a great tool for explaining the Birds and the Bees to little ones.

6. An Inconvenient Truth- One of the most controversial documentaries of all time. It takes the issue of Global Warming and translates it to real examples. Who'd have thought that a Powerpoint presentation by Al Gore would be watchable? Regardless of your politics, this is a film everyone should watch.

5. What the Bleep Do We Know?- Ever wonder the meaning of Quantum Mechanics? Well, this movie (which actually showed in theaters for a short period) delves into this strange world in surprisingly understandable language with very entertaining visuals.

4. The Civil War: A Film by Ken Burns- Not everyone is a history buff, but this is arguably the best comprehensive view of an era I've ever seen. Be warned, this complete set is eleven (!) hours, but it's still hard to NOT stay enthralled, even to someone with ADD like me. My favorite thing about this series is it takes the story of the Civil War objectively, showing both sides seamlessly.

3. Planet Earth: The Complete BBC Series- Simply the best science/nature series ever. Plus, it's narrated by David Attenborough. 'Nuff said. It makes you love our planet, and you leave with a sense of awe.

2. Walking with Dinosaurs- For all the CGI fans out there, the BBC has developed an amazing series called walking with Dinosaurs. I got this for my nephew last Xmas, as he is a certified dino FREAK. This ain't Jurassic Park, y'all. You will be so visibly stunned that you'll forget you're learning.

1. The Elegant Universe (NOVA)- This award-winning series on PBS explains (quite well, I might add) about Albert Einstein's dream of the "Theory of Everything." If you ever wanted to know about what people mean when they discuss String Theory, this is a DVD you can't pass up.

Honorable Mention: Another one that is not yet available on DVD is a history series on HBO called Assume the Position. I strongly recommend it for anyone like myself that enjoys the "story behind the story" in history. The second in the series is coming out July 7th on HBO. If your cable service has HBO On Demand, you should be able to pick up the original at the current time.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

A Father's Story

Once upon a time, many years ago, a man and woman gave birth to a son.

They had two children already, two wonderful little girls. But this was the son the husband at her side prayed for. One to carry on his name, his legacy. This was to be his progeny that he could point at in success and say, "That's my son."

As the boy grew up, he drifted from his father. They had very little to say to one another, and there were very few interests they shared. At several points in his life the son knew the pangs of his father looking on him with disappointment in his eyes. This was not the son he wanted. But he loved him still with all of his heart, and wanted nothing but happiness for his child. The daughters he had were successful, well rounded, and complete in their lives. He had asked himself many times where he went wrong. Why was this not the son he asked God for?

They both made a concerted effort to connect, but there was always that gap, that missing piece of the puzzle. They never did.

But they loved each other in spite of the differences. And still do.


I have become a lot like him. Unfortunately it took me over 30 years to realize it. So instead of me saying what gifts I've given to him, Let me take this time to thank him for the gifts he has given me.

Thank you, Dad...
-For the thirst and passion for knowledge. You are one of the smartest men I've ever met, and you have taught me that not by education alone is wisdom acquired.
-For teaching me that others come first. You always put others before yourself, many times quietly and anonymously.
-For loving nature and teaching me to respect it.
-For humor. Even when we were at odds, it seemed that our lives were still full of laughter.
-For teaching me that the family is the most precious thing anyone could have. You are a role model for the perennial family man.
-For being someone I could look up to and respect.
-For filling our home with Love.

I Love you Dad, and even though I am not the son you wanted, I have become a man you can be proud of. And I thank you for it.

I Love you.

Happy Father's Day.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Big Gaping Hole In My Parking Lot

So I head out the door this morning (a little early for once), and I pause when I get to the parking lot. I walk over to my truck, or to the big gaping empty where it usually is.

It's missing.



Not there.


Unaccounted for.

Devoid of vehicle.


I've never had my truck stolen before. Even with the fact that I rarely lock it. It's just always been there. Plus, I live on a pretty good side of Austin. Nothing much but yuppies and young families live in my area.

But still, I feel violated. Not to mention that my LIFE is in the back seat. Bills, correspondence, REAMS of papers for work. Hell, even my company laptop is in there.

So I get on the horn. Thank the deity of your choice that I didn't leave my cell on the charger, as I sometimes do. First call was to APD to file the report. And I'll tell you, there is nothing more pleasant at eight in the morning than a City operator. Anyway, they're sending someone over.
Then I call my office to let them know that I have to wait for an officer to come by and verify that there really isn't a vehicle in the gaping hole. Next call was to State Farm. For some weird reason, the truck being stolen is under my auto policy, but the stuff IN it is under my renter's insurance. Maybe one of you out there could explain that to me. So I get the claims started, and my next call is to ChaCha (Sorry for waking you up). She makes words, I pace a bit. I feel better hearing her voice.

I'm grateful I'm a five minute walk from work. I walk over to get some stuff done I was really supposed to do last night (remember this. It'll be important later). I hoof over, cursing a little because I was going to get coffee and cigs on the way in, and have none of either.

Walking in, I stop off in T's office. He's a car guy, and probably best to sympathize with my morning plight. He's staring aimlessly out the window.

"My truck got stolen."
"My. Truck. Got. Stolen. Sometime last night."
He casually leans back and looks out. "The Chevy, right?"
"Yes. Stolen. Truck." (Apparently my language skills have reverted to caveman. Or Republican).
He points out the window. "That truck?"

You know that feeling that creeps up the back of your neck and digs into your ears when you realize that you've done something really stupid? Yeah, THAT feeling.

Ok, so here's what happened. I had some very time-sensitive stuff yesterday I needed to get done. Around 4:30 I was getting a little hungry, and my plan was to go home, have some dinner, watch some of the Daily Shows I've recorded, then head back at about eight or nine to finish up. Since I was coming back and because it was such a nice day, I walked home. I'd bring the truck back when I was done. It was here all night.

In case you missed it, I even walked by the goddamn thing when I came in.

For the record, the cop laughed at me, EVERYONE at State Farm laughed at me, I get snickers from all at work, and now you have my permission to chuckle at my expense as well.

I've earned it.

Even someone as kickass as me can be a tool sometimes.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Typical Weekday Morning

6:30 Hit Snooze button
6:39 Hit Snooze button
6:48 Hit Snooze button
6:57 Turn off alarm by brute force
6:58 Turn on TV to Headline News (Robin Meade... H O T T I E!)
7:00 Hit Snooze button (Alarm 2)
7:09 Tryt to turn off alarm from across the room by throwing TV remote at it.
7:10 Turn off alarm
7:11 Attempt to find batteries that fell out of remote on impact.
7:15 Plod around in daze attempting to figure out what I should be doing
7:22 Start coffee
7:25 Log on to my World of Warcraft account to check my auctions.
7:28 Get cup of coffee.
7:36 Have an "OH SHIT" moment, and realize that I REALLY need to log out. Right after I head to turn in that one quest.
7:43 Log out.
7:44 Remembered that I still need to check my auctions. Log back in.
7:56 Log out.
7:57 Get cup of coffee, set it down right next to the almost full cup I got earlier.
7:59 Turn on shower.
8:02 Convince myself to actually get IN the shower, and stop flexing in front of the mirror.
8:03 Scald all the flesh on my back when neighbor flushes his toilet.
8:12 Get out of shower, dry.
8:13 Notice I forgot to wash my hair.
8:16 Get out of shower, dry.
8:18 Flex.
8:19 Brush teeth & hair, while putting on deodorant at the same time.
8:21 Notice the time. Try to find a shirt that doesn't need ironing.
8:23 Get dressed.
8:26 Flex.
8:28 Go downstairs, pour coffee into travel cup, head out the door sans keys.
8:35 Locate keys.
8:37 Walk out door, start car.
8:41 Locate wallet from downstairs bathroom after brief frenzied search.
8:42 Walk out door, start car.
8:44 Head off to work, hearing the coffee mug as it falls off the bumper.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Word For The Day


SYLLABICATION: kak·is·toc·ra·cy
PRONUNCIATION: kk-stkr-s, käk-
NOUN: Inflected forms: pl. kak·is·toc·ra·cies
Government by the least qualified or most unprincipled citizens.
ETYMOLOGY: Greek kakistos, worst, superlative of kakos, bad

Feeling the Pai... err, Burn

I started working out again. I know what you're thinking, "B, What're you talking about? You're already crazysexy, a GAWD of a man. How can you possibly improve on perfection?"

True. But I must try.

Right now I'm doing the Frankenstein walk, because my muscles are SCREAMING at me. When I was calling around for gym membership prices, each one tried to push me into personal trainers. "Why would I need a trainer?" I would invariably ask. "For motivation, to push you to achieve more," one salesman consultant told me. HA! I push myself WAY too hard as it is. I always have. As anyone that knows me can tell you, I NEVER do anything half-assed. If I were to ever be afflicted with spontaneous amnesia, I'd still know I worked out the prior day, because my arms and shoulders will spontaneously burst into flames at the slightest touch.

SIDE NOTE: To Gold's Gym- I don't dig on the Hard-Sell. You refused to give prices over the phone, so I have to go in and listen to an hour-long pitch on why I should pay for the privilege of walking through your door on a 5,000 year contract and possibly becoming an Amway distributor. Gold's, the used-car dealer of fitness. Yeah, right before I hung up, I farted into the receiver. True story.

Anyway, the stiffness is better, and I'm going back to the Y today on my last free pass, before signing up at 24.

So ladies, try not to look at me directly, at least not without some form of protection. Your ovaries will probably shoot out of your body and try to attach themselves to me, which will affect my swagger. Special looking-goggles will be made available for a modest fee.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Don't Click the Article Below...

I'm so going to hell for laughing at this
Don't click. You'll laugh, and then you'll go to hell too

Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

Genius... pure genius. Bra-friggin-vo to the author.

Clicky for the full story

Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many citizens of the Empire, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.

Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack

The cover of Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack

1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

Monday, June 11, 2007

I'm Back!!!

ChaCha and I had a long, albeit intense conversation yesterday (almost to the point of Jerry Springer-esque "conversation"). Three hours later, we realized why I was taking it so hard. I had misinterpreted what she was saying. Or not saying. Or assumed incorrectly. Pick one.

Yeah. THREE HOURS. We were arguing back and forth, probably the first real argument we ever had. We were both on the verge of saying things we were going to regret. Then in a moment of clarity (almost simultaneously) we realized that I misconstrued what she was saying, because she assumed something, I assumed something else, and it got blown WAY out of proportion.

We're still not going to be seeing each other romantically. Is it permanent? Who knows. Maybe, maybe not. The point is that the "why" behind an action is infinitely more important than the action itself. Write that down. It'll come in handy later on. We were so used to being open and honest about everything that when we weren't (for that split second), the world exploded. And I shouldn't be held responsible for Mutually Assured Destruction of the planet.

Herein endeth the lesson. This will be on the final.

Now I'll go back to being irreverent and crazy-sexy.

Saturday, June 9, 2007


Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.

Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll

Thursday, June 7, 2007

On Temporary Hiatus

ChaCha and I are no longer seeing each other romantically.

I will be taking a couple of days/weeks off to get together my thoughts & feelings. Then I'll be back with my mindless ramblings.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Who will be defeated?

I few weeks ago I posted a motivational website I found called youaremighty (link here). I still watch it every morning.

But what if someone/something is getting you down? Well, there is one for that too. Just put in the name of the person, group, or thing where the [***] are in your browser:

[***] (e.g.

And be ready to take them on!

Good Morning

It's 6am, and I'm awake. I was jostled awake by hearing my phone's messaging alert from the office.

In another room.

Let me say that again.

My phone chimed from the other room.

And it woke me up.

I'm a guy that takes two alarms to wake up in the morning, and yet I very regularly still wake up at 8 with the panicked "Oh Shit" moment. But my phone woke me up. hmmph.

My skill in geekiness has just been raised to 285.

It wasn't anything big. Just a picture from ChaCha sent yesterday afternoon/evening. For some reason lately it takes forever for us to receive pics. But now I'm awake, my coffee's brewing, and it's the start of a brand new day.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Computer Blues

I forgot to mention my newly-built computer did not blow up, catch fire, or have a severe core meltdown and contaminate most of central Texas when I hit the power button yesterday. In fact, it didn't do much of anything. Turns out the CPU was DOA. I talked with NewEgg, and I should have another one on Monday.

THEN we'll have the flames, the smoke, the nuclear winter...

Bearing of the Pall

The funeral was today.

Coming from a small country community where you're related to everyone, you develop an almost whimsical view of death. Growing up, it seemed that every weekend we either had a wedding or a funeral to go to. On some occasions both, which makes it easier since you're already dressed for the second one, and you don't have to leave the church. Today was no different. In fact, while we were at the graveside they were decorating for a wedding to follow shortly after. I swear I'm not making that up. I helped move out some of the "Rest in Peace" flowers to make way for wedding "Bless this union" arrangements. In hindsight I probably should have left them there. They would be more appropriate.

So I've been to a lot of funerals. It makes you realize that this is the only time I get to see any of my relatives. Gone is the day that everyone got together for holidays, barbecues, etc. I think
that we've come to that place in society that 3 generations are all we're able to handle. I'm the same way. With only a few noteable exceptions, the only family I really see are my parental units and siblings. Don't get me wrong, I love my extended family, but after spending a few hours with them, I realize what made me move 100 miles away.

Another thing I learned was: 92 degrees+Wool suit+carrying a large metal box with someone inside=sweat. It wasn't too bad. Luckily I brought clothes to change into after, but the bathrooms are outside and in an un-air conditioned, unventilated building that was built in the early 60's with 3,000 watt light bulbs dangling from arcing wires. I think I sweated more changing into said clothes than I did in my suit.

The best part came after, when I got to see all of the extended family, second cousins, great aunts, third cousins twice removed, my mother's third cousin's uncle, you get the idea. It's funny getting the "My how you've grown" comments when you're in your mid-thirties. I eventually started telling them that it was because of steroids, and that my goal is to reach 9'3" and 864 lbs by Christmas.

SIDE NOTE: The 'tee turned out to be a big hit with the more elderly ladies, to which I now seem to have a gaggle of septuagenarian groupies. One actually called me a "hunk."

I suppose I'll take the adoration wherever I can get it.

Friday, June 1, 2007

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train..

In my email today (Thanks Ric!)

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train..

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link

(This is a joke. This is only a joke. The Bloggers in your area in conjunction with no state or local governments have devised this joke to warn you in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed to relax and have a drink.)